Disgust-O-Meter tilts past complete abomination

[Andrew]

My nose has always been an overly sensitive organ that my wife has often mocked and at other times has just plain ignored in aversion. Its acute ability to pick up offensive breath, unpleasant bodily smells as well as other noxious odors has led to feelings of paranoia. For me this sense of smell has been both a curse and a blessing. It’s true that at times this ability has been a source of distraction during what other wise would have been a pleasant conversation with someone or other. On the other hand I have often enjoyed the pleasant aroma of some far off flower during an evening stroll. But the old schnozzola has recently earned its keep in spades.

During this last week I noticed an increasing evil smell every time I took a shower or even washed my hands. My wife didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary but me on the other hand became more and more distraught every time water ran anywhere in the house. I was sure something foul was afoot somewhere. On Sunday I decided to take a peek under our catchment’s cover to see if anything was amiss. To my complete horror I found a bloated adult Mongoose cadaver floating atop the surface of our doughboy pool. Suddenly the past week passed before my eyes amid waves of deep nausea. Every shower, every dish washing, every hand cleansing, every vegetable soaking and every tooth brush rinsing came back in wave after wave of pure abhorrence.

After rushing to Puna’s hardware store to purchase a pool skimmer I gingerly scooped the filth out of our water source. I managed to extract the unsightly beast all in one piece and then carried it far into the woods to find its final resting place. After returning to my doughboy to skim away leaves and other bits of unwanted debris my liver really gave out. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse I found the evil beast's spawn also where it didn’t belong but this time at the bottom of the pool instead of at its surface. When I tried to dip this one out with my new bought skimmer it turned into the devil’s own gravy. My sensibilities suffered an even worse blow.

Well you can bet I didn’t take any water with my meal that night but rather several quarts of beer down at Luquin’s. When I think of it I’m not sure I’ll ever drink anything other than liquor again. Maybe even brush my teeth with the stuff.

My new motto: Proboscis Rex.