02-16-2019, 12:16 PM
Here's a few jokes to lighten the mood, borrowed from a former USSR controlled area:
"So while I was in Bulgaria, I managed to get a copy of an old book called Radio Yerevan. It is filled with some of the jokes that people used to tell in the USSR and elsewhere in Eastern Europe during the Cold War. Though some of the jokes are really dirty, I have picked out the ones that make fun of socialism and make sense from a Western perspective. Keep in mind that is supposed to be like a radio show where people call in and the hosts come up with the answers, so that is why they are all in the Q and A format. So with a casual translation into English from the Bulgarian, here they are:
Q: What is the difference between socialism and capitalism?
A: Capitalism makes social mistakes while socialism makes capital mistakes.
Q: Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first socialists?
A: It might be true. Adam and Eve dressed very humbly, had a very modest need for food, and didn't live in their own home. On top of everything else, they believed that they were in heaven.
Q: Will there be any theft after we reach the communist stage of development?
A: Yes, but only if, after socialism, there is anything left to be stolen.
Q: What are the primary contradictions under socialism?
A: There is no unemployment, yet no one actually works. No one works, yet the stores are all full. The stores are full, yet the people are unhappy. The people are unhappy, yet they still vote "Yes."
Q: Is it true that the USSR is the biggest country in the Eastern Bloc?
A: Maybe Hungary and Czechoslovakia are even bigger. This might be because our armies began withdrawing from there more than a year ago and they still haven't reached the Soviet border.
Q: Is it possible for democratic socialism to start up in such a well-developed country as the USA?
A: Yes, it's possible, but, why?
Q: Is there a difference between "democracy" and "popular democracy?"
A: Yes, it's the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
Q: Is it true that we haven't yet reached the final stage of communist development?
A: Yes, but don't worry; it can't get any worse than this.
Q: Why was the return of the Soviet space station from the Moon such a great success?
A: Because it proved once and for all that it is possible for something to leave the USSR and actually return.
Q: Can you say freely and publicly that which you are thinking here in our country?
A: Yes, of course. Unless, of course, you are thinking of something that shouldn't be said freely and publicly.
Q: What is the most concise definition of a learned worker?
A: One whose blood pressure is higher than his salary.
Q: The Central Committee of the Communist Party offered me a job as a secretary. Should I accept?
A: Yes. Your only duties will be saying, "Yes, Comrade," and at night, "No, Comrade."
Q: Yesterday, I wanted to buy some bananas, however, at the store there was only one banana and it was past its prime. How is a guy supposed to choose?
A: The same way you choose during the elections.
Q: Presently, how can the smart bulgarian converse with the stupid bulgarian?
A: By calling him from Canada.
Q: Is it true that cats are very sneaky creatures?
A: Sometimes. In bad times they try to pass themselves off as rabbit meat.
Q: Is it necessary for comrade Zhivkov (Bulgaria's dictator of 35 years from 1954-1989) to have so much security?
A: Hardly. Up until now, no one has tried to steal him.
Q: How are we supposed to know if we are talking to an aware and rational citizen or an ignorant one?
A: The former frequently checks behind him to see if anyone is there.
Q: Are there going to be idiots under Communism?
A: No. Even those, who believed in communism in the past, will no longer be idiots.
Q: Tell me where does all of our wheat go? Where does the lumber from our forests go? Where do the treasures from our museums go? Where does our oil go?
A: We asked our colleague Krikor to find out the answer to your question. Coincidently, we are also trying to figure out where our colleague went.
Q: Can we boast about some accomplishment of Soviet agriculture?
A: Yes. We sow (colonize) the cosmos, yet we receive our crops from Canada.
Q: Was the working day long in the Stalinist gulags?
A: No. The working day was 8 hours - from 8 to 8.
Q: Is it really that important for the USSR to send the first man to Mars?
A: The people would quite happy to send the First man. (In this context, the "First man" means the First Secretary of the Communist Party of the USSR)
Q: What am I supposed to do if I'm at a bar and some strangers sits down next to me and starts sighing heavily?
A: Tell him to immediately stop with the anti-socialist propaganda.
Q: What would happen if Bulgaria were to invade the Sahara Desert?
A: In a few years they would have to import sand.
Q: How am I supposed to tell if a plane in the sky is Soviet or Chinese?
A: If it is actually flying, then it's Soviet.
Q: Is it possible to predict the results of the next elections for the Central Committee of the USSR?
A: Unfortunately, No. A few days ago, the document with the exact figures was stolen by the secretariat.
Q: Will we win in a war against America?
A: There will always be someone left to prove to us that we have actually won.
Q: Can an elephant be wrapped up in a newspaper?
A: Yes, if the newspaper contains the musings of Todor Zhivkov.
Q: Why has the Red Army stayed so long in Czechoslovakia?
A: Because they are still looking for the person who asked for their help.
Q: Can you tell us of an asset of socialism not found in the West?
A: Of Course. The capitalists have to pay if they want to enjoy the natural beauty of Siberia.
Q: Why is our supply of meat so irregular and unpredictable?
A: We are advancing towards communism so fast that even the cattle can't keep up anymore.
Q: Is there a reason why Bulgaria calls the USSR its "big brother" instead of its "best friend?"
A: Yes. You can pick your friends.
Q: Are there any measures in the new five year plan to improve the food of the people?
A: More cookbooks will be printed.
Q: I just found out that the USSR is planning on sending a man to Mars. Is it possible that there's life on Mars?
A: No, unfortunately there isn't any life there either.
Q: After the communist party took power, my life is no longer dear. Do you know of any sure way of committing suicide?
A: Throwing yourself into the rift between the party and the people.
Q: Is there any similarity between matches and the ruling party?
A: The heads of one and the other are both worthless.
Q: Is it true that the Soviet representative on the UN Security Council uses a special model of typewriter?
A: Yes, it's a typewriter that only has four letters. V, E, T, and O.
Q: Why did they build the Berlin wall, which separates the West from the East?
A: That wall doesn't separate West from East but rather East from West.
"So while I was in Bulgaria, I managed to get a copy of an old book called Radio Yerevan. It is filled with some of the jokes that people used to tell in the USSR and elsewhere in Eastern Europe during the Cold War. Though some of the jokes are really dirty, I have picked out the ones that make fun of socialism and make sense from a Western perspective. Keep in mind that is supposed to be like a radio show where people call in and the hosts come up with the answers, so that is why they are all in the Q and A format. So with a casual translation into English from the Bulgarian, here they are:
Q: What is the difference between socialism and capitalism?
A: Capitalism makes social mistakes while socialism makes capital mistakes.
Q: Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first socialists?
A: It might be true. Adam and Eve dressed very humbly, had a very modest need for food, and didn't live in their own home. On top of everything else, they believed that they were in heaven.
Q: Will there be any theft after we reach the communist stage of development?
A: Yes, but only if, after socialism, there is anything left to be stolen.
Q: What are the primary contradictions under socialism?
A: There is no unemployment, yet no one actually works. No one works, yet the stores are all full. The stores are full, yet the people are unhappy. The people are unhappy, yet they still vote "Yes."
Q: Is it true that the USSR is the biggest country in the Eastern Bloc?
A: Maybe Hungary and Czechoslovakia are even bigger. This might be because our armies began withdrawing from there more than a year ago and they still haven't reached the Soviet border.
Q: Is it possible for democratic socialism to start up in such a well-developed country as the USA?
A: Yes, it's possible, but, why?
Q: Is there a difference between "democracy" and "popular democracy?"
A: Yes, it's the same difference between a jacket and a straitjacket.
Q: Is it true that we haven't yet reached the final stage of communist development?
A: Yes, but don't worry; it can't get any worse than this.
Q: Why was the return of the Soviet space station from the Moon such a great success?
A: Because it proved once and for all that it is possible for something to leave the USSR and actually return.
Q: Can you say freely and publicly that which you are thinking here in our country?
A: Yes, of course. Unless, of course, you are thinking of something that shouldn't be said freely and publicly.
Q: What is the most concise definition of a learned worker?
A: One whose blood pressure is higher than his salary.
Q: The Central Committee of the Communist Party offered me a job as a secretary. Should I accept?
A: Yes. Your only duties will be saying, "Yes, Comrade," and at night, "No, Comrade."
Q: Yesterday, I wanted to buy some bananas, however, at the store there was only one banana and it was past its prime. How is a guy supposed to choose?
A: The same way you choose during the elections.
Q: Presently, how can the smart bulgarian converse with the stupid bulgarian?
A: By calling him from Canada.
Q: Is it true that cats are very sneaky creatures?
A: Sometimes. In bad times they try to pass themselves off as rabbit meat.
Q: Is it necessary for comrade Zhivkov (Bulgaria's dictator of 35 years from 1954-1989) to have so much security?
A: Hardly. Up until now, no one has tried to steal him.
Q: How are we supposed to know if we are talking to an aware and rational citizen or an ignorant one?
A: The former frequently checks behind him to see if anyone is there.
Q: Are there going to be idiots under Communism?
A: No. Even those, who believed in communism in the past, will no longer be idiots.
Q: Tell me where does all of our wheat go? Where does the lumber from our forests go? Where do the treasures from our museums go? Where does our oil go?
A: We asked our colleague Krikor to find out the answer to your question. Coincidently, we are also trying to figure out where our colleague went.
Q: Can we boast about some accomplishment of Soviet agriculture?
A: Yes. We sow (colonize) the cosmos, yet we receive our crops from Canada.
Q: Was the working day long in the Stalinist gulags?
A: No. The working day was 8 hours - from 8 to 8.
Q: Is it really that important for the USSR to send the first man to Mars?
A: The people would quite happy to send the First man. (In this context, the "First man" means the First Secretary of the Communist Party of the USSR)
Q: What am I supposed to do if I'm at a bar and some strangers sits down next to me and starts sighing heavily?
A: Tell him to immediately stop with the anti-socialist propaganda.
Q: What would happen if Bulgaria were to invade the Sahara Desert?
A: In a few years they would have to import sand.
Q: How am I supposed to tell if a plane in the sky is Soviet or Chinese?
A: If it is actually flying, then it's Soviet.
Q: Is it possible to predict the results of the next elections for the Central Committee of the USSR?
A: Unfortunately, No. A few days ago, the document with the exact figures was stolen by the secretariat.
Q: Will we win in a war against America?
A: There will always be someone left to prove to us that we have actually won.
Q: Can an elephant be wrapped up in a newspaper?
A: Yes, if the newspaper contains the musings of Todor Zhivkov.
Q: Why has the Red Army stayed so long in Czechoslovakia?
A: Because they are still looking for the person who asked for their help.
Q: Can you tell us of an asset of socialism not found in the West?
A: Of Course. The capitalists have to pay if they want to enjoy the natural beauty of Siberia.
Q: Why is our supply of meat so irregular and unpredictable?
A: We are advancing towards communism so fast that even the cattle can't keep up anymore.
Q: Is there a reason why Bulgaria calls the USSR its "big brother" instead of its "best friend?"
A: Yes. You can pick your friends.
Q: Are there any measures in the new five year plan to improve the food of the people?
A: More cookbooks will be printed.
Q: I just found out that the USSR is planning on sending a man to Mars. Is it possible that there's life on Mars?
A: No, unfortunately there isn't any life there either.
Q: After the communist party took power, my life is no longer dear. Do you know of any sure way of committing suicide?
A: Throwing yourself into the rift between the party and the people.
Q: Is there any similarity between matches and the ruling party?
A: The heads of one and the other are both worthless.
Q: Is it true that the Soviet representative on the UN Security Council uses a special model of typewriter?
A: Yes, it's a typewriter that only has four letters. V, E, T, and O.
Q: Why did they build the Berlin wall, which separates the West from the East?
A: That wall doesn't separate West from East but rather East from West.