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Need some laughs
#1
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: [Big Grin]

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansa we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all.



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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The Lack
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#2
That sums up my experience pretty well.

Pua`a
S. FL
Big Islander to be.
Pua`a
S. FL
Big Islander to be.
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#3
I agree with Oink... we had them in November before we made the move. THANK GOD I do not need another one for ten years.

Aloha au i Hawai`i,
devany

www.eastbaypotters.com
www.myhawaiianhome.blogspot.com
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#4
When I went in for this the nurse asked me how much anesthesia I wanted. I told her "Enough to leave the room, but not enough to leave the planet". I woke up later and felt that aliens had visited me.
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#5
I woke up after the procedure and spoke only in Spanish (my third language after English and German) for about an hour. They kept asking me who was there to drive me home, and I kept saying, "Senor Oso." (Spanish for "Mr. Bear.") I could understand what they were telling me, but could only respond in Spanish.

The nurse kept saying she was sure I spoke English when I came in there. So the receptionist, who spoke no Spanish either, went out to the waiting room and asked if there was a Sr. Oso there and would he please come in and translate for me. Bear, who knows his nickname in Spanish, figured it had to be him and stuck his hand up. He was quite embarassed, but I was too goofy to care. They let me go home when I started speaking English again.

Cheers,
Jerry
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#6
I had to drink something called GO LIGHTLY, nasty but do-able with a ginger ale chaser.
the only problem I had was the drug they used was much like truth serum, i told way too much personel info.

I was having major colon problems for years and ended up losing the bottom 1/3 of it. a new man now.

Ive had 7 scopes in 4 years! im a pro now and always tell the nurses to not take anything personel or believe anything I say. I guess I was hugging everyone after waking up and told one female nurse how pretty I thought she was. After waking up the male nurse told me that just because she pretty doesnt mean you want to be around her? the drug really messes with me.
Last time I had my wife put a smiley face on my left butt cheek for the Dr to see! he enjoyed the humor. Once you get past the diet and Go Lightly its a breeze.

I can relate to what Jerry says.

Peace
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#7
I too had colon cancer and had about a foot of colon removed two years ago. 100 percent successful and I am a new man, knock on wood and the hands of a great doctor [Dr. Josh Pierce] my hero. I remember waking up after the procedure [better after than during I always say] hooked up to all sorts of things. After a day had gone by Josh came to check and ask, “how are you feeling?” Great, when can I go home? Any time that you feel well enough to, was his response. I was hooked up to a “pee tube” and asked the doc if I could take this thing home with me. He said he never had anyone ask him that before and most asked when can it be removed, but OK sure, but why? I said that I drink a lot of beer, as you know and have to keep having the driver find restrooms but this thing would eliminate that problem. He shook his head, laughed and left the room. The next day he gave me some beer.

The Lack
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#8
Retiree's wife: What are you going to do today?
Retiree: Nothing.
R's wife: That is what you did yesterday.
R: Well, I didn't finish.
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#9
That was hillarious! Thanks for sharing. I am going to send it to my husband right away. He decided he could not stand being retired and is now studying for his real estate license and was recruited as an intern by a local real estate company. Go figure. He better not ask me what "I" did today when he gets home from his corner office.

quote:
Originally posted by heyyou

Retiree's wife: What are you going to do today?
Retiree: Nothing.
R's wife: That is what you did yesterday.
R: Well, I didn't finish.


Aloha au i Hawai`i,
devany

www.eastbaypotters.com
www.myhawaiianhome.blogspot.com
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#10
I have a high resistence to drugs. I was awake and felt the WHOLE thing. It did not really hurt, so maybe it took the "sting" off, but I never fell asleep and was talking to the nurse and Dr. the whole time and he showed me stuff on the screen while he was going through my colon.

quote:
Originally posted by Glen

When I went in for this the nurse asked me how much anesthesia I wanted. I told her "Enough to leave the room, but not enough to leave the planet". I woke up later and felt that aliens had visited me.


Aloha au i Hawai`i,
devany

www.eastbaypotters.com
www.myhawaiianhome.blogspot.com
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