My morning was going so well that after I finished my coffee I thought to myself, "Nothing can ruin this day! I'm going to Walmart on the first day of EBT week!"
And thus began my masochistic journey.
Pulled into parking lot... a spot right up front?! WTF?
The line to get in was as long as I've ever seen, but it moved really quickly. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming / having a nightmare. Nope. Within a few minutes I was inside! Or was the nightmare just beginning?
Then It began. When I got to the place where all the carts were supposed to be, there weren't any. There were 4-5 employees standing around getting ready to disinfect the carts. But there were no carts. And none of them thought that fetching carts was a good idea. Pretty soon the area was getting packed with people looking for carts, and they were looking at the people who were there to disinfect the carts, and wondering why nobody was getting carts.
It didn't take long for the 6-foot rule thing to go away because now there was a bottleneck. They were continuing to allow people in, but they weren't bringing in any carts. I was buying livestock feed. I needed a cart.
Just as people were starting to get uppity about the situation, carts arrived. The disinfectors were more concerned about throwing carts at us as quickly as possible to prevent an angry mob and were literally just pretending to spend 1/4 second per cart to make-believe wipe them down.
After I left the potentially angry mob I started making my way to the other side of the store where all the stuff I needed was. I passed a lady nearly screaming at another that a man wearing women's clothing was an affront to God, and that it was well recorded in the scriptures. In case you are curious, she also explained that the same applied to women wearing men's clothing. At this point I wasn't sure if this was a shopping trip or video game as I weaved my cart in and out through the Walmart zombies as quickly as I could.
Level 1: I needed a gallon of vinegar but there were walmart zombies completely blocking the aisle just staring at things on the shelves. Their eyes weren't moving so I'm not sure what they doing. They were double parked, taking up the entire aisle staring into a porthole of Walmart hell that I cannot see. "Excuse me." "Excuse ME." Nothing. Finally one woman moved a cart that wasn't even hers to let me pass by. I smiled at her but knew the mask hid my appreciation. "THANK YOU" I said, as the zombies continued staring mindlessly into the shelf abyss.
Level 2: Walmart has "one way" aisles now. As I was passing one I could see the item I needed about 4 feet from where I was but to dare to fetch it would be to swim against the current. Like a salmon fighting to shoot itself from the river past the waterfall into the creek above it. I "could" spend several minutes going all the way around "the block" and then nap as the zombies stared into the shelves, waiting to get around them, but instead decided to take the bold step of leaving my cart behind and taking two steps into the aisle and grabbing my item. I wasn't expecting a "boss" until at least level 3 or 4 but there she was right here in level two and she began dressing me down for "not being able to read" and going the WRONG WAY (without a cart).
My brain paused for a half second as it reviewed options:
"Yes/No"
"Or what?"
"Go Away"
"Please come back later"
"F you, A-Hole"
etc (If you've seen The Terminator, you know what I mean).
I decided silence was the best option and grabbed my item.
Level 3: Boss defeated with kindness, checking out and putting as much distance between me and the Walmart dystopia as possible. Cart full of stuff paid for. Receipt in hand. Why TF is there a line to get out? And why isn't it moving? The door guy was holding us up because otherwise it would interfere with people coming in to wait for carts. Sigh. Use relaxing breathing techniques. In with the good air.... out with the bad air... (repeat).
And thus began my masochistic journey.
Pulled into parking lot... a spot right up front?! WTF?
The line to get in was as long as I've ever seen, but it moved really quickly. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming / having a nightmare. Nope. Within a few minutes I was inside! Or was the nightmare just beginning?
Then It began. When I got to the place where all the carts were supposed to be, there weren't any. There were 4-5 employees standing around getting ready to disinfect the carts. But there were no carts. And none of them thought that fetching carts was a good idea. Pretty soon the area was getting packed with people looking for carts, and they were looking at the people who were there to disinfect the carts, and wondering why nobody was getting carts.
It didn't take long for the 6-foot rule thing to go away because now there was a bottleneck. They were continuing to allow people in, but they weren't bringing in any carts. I was buying livestock feed. I needed a cart.
Just as people were starting to get uppity about the situation, carts arrived. The disinfectors were more concerned about throwing carts at us as quickly as possible to prevent an angry mob and were literally just pretending to spend 1/4 second per cart to make-believe wipe them down.
After I left the potentially angry mob I started making my way to the other side of the store where all the stuff I needed was. I passed a lady nearly screaming at another that a man wearing women's clothing was an affront to God, and that it was well recorded in the scriptures. In case you are curious, she also explained that the same applied to women wearing men's clothing. At this point I wasn't sure if this was a shopping trip or video game as I weaved my cart in and out through the Walmart zombies as quickly as I could.
Level 1: I needed a gallon of vinegar but there were walmart zombies completely blocking the aisle just staring at things on the shelves. Their eyes weren't moving so I'm not sure what they doing. They were double parked, taking up the entire aisle staring into a porthole of Walmart hell that I cannot see. "Excuse me." "Excuse ME." Nothing. Finally one woman moved a cart that wasn't even hers to let me pass by. I smiled at her but knew the mask hid my appreciation. "THANK YOU" I said, as the zombies continued staring mindlessly into the shelf abyss.
Level 2: Walmart has "one way" aisles now. As I was passing one I could see the item I needed about 4 feet from where I was but to dare to fetch it would be to swim against the current. Like a salmon fighting to shoot itself from the river past the waterfall into the creek above it. I "could" spend several minutes going all the way around "the block" and then nap as the zombies stared into the shelves, waiting to get around them, but instead decided to take the bold step of leaving my cart behind and taking two steps into the aisle and grabbing my item. I wasn't expecting a "boss" until at least level 3 or 4 but there she was right here in level two and she began dressing me down for "not being able to read" and going the WRONG WAY (without a cart).
My brain paused for a half second as it reviewed options:
"Yes/No"
"Or what?"
"Go Away"
"Please come back later"
"F you, A-Hole"
etc (If you've seen The Terminator, you know what I mean).
I decided silence was the best option and grabbed my item.
Level 3: Boss defeated with kindness, checking out and putting as much distance between me and the Walmart dystopia as possible. Cart full of stuff paid for. Receipt in hand. Why TF is there a line to get out? And why isn't it moving? The door guy was holding us up because otherwise it would interfere with people coming in to wait for carts. Sigh. Use relaxing breathing techniques. In with the good air.... out with the bad air... (repeat).
