Chili Cook off (Texas Style) joke of the week

[Beachboy]

OMG... can't stop laughing!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT . just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERA' S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.



CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw
it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report


-----------

You know the only difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney is ... lipstick.

[YurtGirl]

Oh (gasp) my (gasp) STOMACH hurts from laughing!!!!
This is the funniest thing I've read in AGES!!! It's a good thing it's broken up into groups, I had to take a break between each chili description, couldn't see because my eyes were streaming, try to catch my breath and push on to the next one.... HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Thank you so much for sharing~
Melissa

[roseroo14]

I was a judge in an national sanctioned chile cook-off about ten years ago and I must say that judge #3 is not making this up. He has to be talking about the one that I judged but it took place in Arizona. Maybe it was the same contestants they may just move from state to state. I’m beginning to sweat just thinking about it again.

The Lack

[Guest]

Someday, I will invite y'all over for some real chili.

[DickWilson]

Not real without Habaneros, otherwise it's for wimps and yankee's[]

dick wilson

[Guest]

There is only one kind of chili recognized by CASI: Texas red. No fillers are allowed, or as the rules state: "NO FILLERS IN CHILI - Beans, macaroni, rice, hominy, or other similar ingredients are not permitted." (In Texas putting beans in chili has replaced horse thievery as the number one hanging offense.)

[DickWilson]

Habaneros are not fillers, they are an absolutely necessary pepper with a much better smokey and hot flavor. Wouldn't consider making chili without em.

dick wilson

[Guest]

Oh no, Dick I was not implying that they were. But it is more typical for a classic bowl of chili to be made with dried spices. Jalapenos, habeneros and the like are used to dress it up to taste after it is served.

My self I like soda crackers, onions, japs and some grated longhorn cheese.

another thing that I can't tolerate in chili is ground meat. I start with some nice fatty beef 3/4 - 1" cubes and suet, I pressure cook that for 30-40 minutes salted and with a little water. then I get busy adding a cup of high grade (fancy) chili powder a couple heaping tbsp of cumino, garlic, oregano, and powdered cayenne.

It aint the heat that gets ya, but many people can't handle the spice on their stomachs.

[Guest]

I'll make some freeze it and send it to ya on dry ice if you email me your address. I might even smoke a brisket and send ya some of that. how's that sound?

[pslamont]

Yeah, Well, my chili has beans and I can't imagine it without. Maybe we should be aiming for a good ole' CHILI COOKOFF in Puna?