Good Jokes

[Hawaii Bound]

I haven't actually heard any good jokes in awhile and someone sent this to me today so I thought I would share. If you have any of your own please post:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

[sputnut]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his, or
her last day of life..

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.
She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was
dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew
she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB
clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began
bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall
was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the
balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point
the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to
grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot
came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help
but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this antique cedar chest....."

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comin' your way soon!

[sputnut]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this.....)




"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

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Bear Remover...

A man in rural Oregon wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof...So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes..The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van...

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull...

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks...

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat...When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go... The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner...

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner...

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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comin' your way soon!

[Hawaii Bound]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

[dragon2k]

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my tool shed stealing things. I phoned the police but they said that no one was in the area and that they would send someone as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later I called again. "Hello" I said, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to hurry now because I've shot them." Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and a swat team. They caught the burglars red handed. One of the officers: "I thought you said you'd shot them." To which I replied: "I thought you said there was no one available."
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'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

[kalakoa]

Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as
always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that
required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There
were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50
feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit
a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the
pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral
procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club,
took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as
the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball
again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did,
waiting for the funeral to pass like that."

Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It
was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I
could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
you know."

[dragon2k]

Some Carlinisms:

When it's your sh*t, it's stuff, and when it's other people's stuff, it's sh*t.

Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

RIP George!

[kimo wires]

A local boy from HPM shows up at my house with a lumber delivery.
After unloading the truck he pulls out a camera to take a picture of the delivery (required by HPM)
But without taking a shot he puts away the camera saying "oh not that one. That's the Hawaiian camera" and he pulls out a different camera and takes the picture.
And I said " Hey wait a minute , what makes that one a "Hawaiian" camera?
And he says "It doesn't work"

True story

[Andrew]

A SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, lounge, tavern, roadhouse, inn, ....

[Mindful]

What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods?

"I won't do THAT for 2 bucks again!"