Hit a Whale, Go to Jail

[Kelena]

I was on my way to the propane store in Pahoa yesterday, when I took a detour down Beach Road and parked because I had a frustrating day and just wanted to look at the ocean for a minute. I got out of the car and there was a huge 4 x 4 next to me and a huge guy, about 6'2", about 40 years old. I said hello and got out of the car and was just looking at the ocean. He was looking at something below the cliffs. I thought it was turtles.

Then I thought -- what the heck...there is ALREADY A WHOLE AIRPLANE IN THERE leaking fuel and god knows what. With that in mind I reached in the back of the car, and threw one propane tank into the ocean. The guy looked at me really angry and said "What did you do that for?"

I grabbed the other one and threw IT into the water. When I did, a whale bobbed up and the next thing I knew this guy was on me --literally on me. He tackled me to the ground, which was very hard. I was in great pain but he put his full body weight on me (lengthwise) and he said "You are under arrest for violation of the Marine Mammals Act" and then he read me my Miranda rights, as if I didn't know what they are.

I had hit my head on the lava rock and so when he marched me to his vehicle, I was too stunned to resist. Once at the vehicle, he produced a badge AND A GUN. His identification clearly identified him as a Federal officer.

He didn't LOOK like an officer and I have no idea what he was doing there and I was alone and was concerned he would try to take advantage of me and so I gave him my information and he issued a citation.

I am not defending my actions. I am certain I didn't harm the whale, because it hardly even moved -- or I don't know. Maybe that means I DID harm the whale.

Now I need a lawyer familiar with FEDERAL crimes. Any ideas? I wish I had listened to everybody.

[msrocket]

Happy April Fool's Day!

[Kelena]

Happy for you.

[HereOnThePrimalEdge]

Kelena -
I would definitely go back check the 'crashed airplane' and 'whale.' It's well known that the Feds set up these exact kind of situations with movie type props to catch otherwise law abiding propane users. I've even heard, well overheard, from some guy, eating a GMO free soy based product on a picnic bench outside of Island Natch, that it's a yearly government enforcement program called April Entrapment! So it's got to be true. Today anyway.

[msrocket]

Kelena, sorry to be so cavalier about your predicament. HOTPE may have a point about entrapment. Perhaps the whale is also complicit?

[okedokey]

Hahahahaha. Happy April Fools day Kelena!

[robguz]

Thanks for the tip on how to get pounced on by a big tall local cop!

[Chunkster]

Kelena clearly belongs in prison, but somehow managed to weasel off with just a citation. What if the poor whale had swallowed the gas cannister and choked? What if the poor officer injured himself jumping on the criminal Kelena? I'm sure our taxes would have to go up to pay for the cost of medical care. Is there an email address where we can write the judge demanding that Kelena do 10 years in maximum security for this crime? I'm pretty sure there's no parole in the federal prisons, so 10 years should be enough and not too much to ask for.

I would suggest that county charges for illegal dumping and littering be added, but we all know the local cops are too busy looking for marijuana to do anything about this atrocity. And beside, for all I know Kelena may be somebody's cousin.

[Kelena]

robguz,

I sure you wouldn't have to go to those lengths. But at my age, you have to throw two propane cannisters at a whale to get their attention.

HOTPE: You have a a point. I wish I had listened to those guys in front of Island Natch when they told me be about the April Entrapment program. When I heard "entrapment", I thought was a happy, if slightly kinky, thing and I totally missed what they were trying to tell me.

Chunkster: Federal prison. Don't throw me in that briar patch!

[unknownjulie]

Kelena, please tell me this is an April Fool's Day post! Why on earth would anyone throw a propane tank into the ocean??!